Rediscoveries.

I sometimes fear of writing when I am far away from the chance of filing my thoughts.
But sometimes, I can’t help it, and the desire burns just as an itch in a hot summer afternoon
When that “sometimes” happens, I usually find a way to diverge the urge and mask the feeling;
As it is easier to ignore the “sometimes” than to honor its need for words and creation.

Recently I played the tourist guide role to my parents on their recent visit to Nova Scotia
While doing this, and unexpectedly, I re-discovered my town, my life, and my scars in a different way.
While I was not looking to do a trip down memory lane, my parent’s interest in my life caused just that;
While trying to bring back the moments of stories, people who are gone came back and took my hand.

These flashlights took me over to “Sam The Record Man” store on Barrington; now a destroyed building.
They took me to “C’est si bon” and its flamenco nights; now converted into a Yoga studio.
They got me back to cheap steak night at “Your father’s mustache” and the image of German enthusiasts.
They transported me back to “Pizza Corner” on cold winter slippery nights, and their smell of fried food.

It was like having a series of Déjà vu’s of the past; filled with emotion, with sense, and nostalgia.
Meeting points like the entrance to the Public Gardens, Park Lane or the Public Library came alive again,
Walking paths in old cemeteries, footprints of time in the old walk boards of the waterfront, all mine.
And mixed with reality of today, I greeted my past with cheerful stories, and some hidden tears.

Then I understood… This is my Halifax, my story, my life, and I think my parents got it too.
As I drove my parents to the airport, there was silence in the car for most of the way;
I could have assumed it was due to the ridiculously early time of their flight to get them back home,
But I think it was more because deep inside, they saw my roots here, and knew I was never coming back.

This is the first time I see myself this way, in my skin after the life I chose; rediscovered.

Cuando cala el alma

El sonido que se lleva la imagen en el viento
Que regresa milagrosamente el tiempo
Ese que hace que sin querer recordemos
Y sin poderlo detener, nos cala el alma

Nos detiene un poco, nos mata un poco
Nos da la vida y nos la quita
Por que solo son recuerdos, un espejo
Que reflejan la nostalgia de los sueños

Cuando sin querer pensamos en el tiempo
Y recordamos sentimientos, fijos y serenos
Empezamos a entender, al quien vive del recuerdo
La triste nostalgia vieja, de quien se perdió en el viento

Hoy recuerdo lo que fui, y en ti lo que seré
Pero mi alma se cala, con tristeza adelantada
Por que lo que fue, ya fue; y lo que será, no sé.
Y yo aquí sigo viviendo, perpetuado en el ayer.

Y en el nuevo amanecer recuerdo
que yo sigo entre los vivos, tejiendo momentos
y los qe vendrán entenderán al tiempo
con su alma calada, y una lagrima en el viento.

A small thought...

Just as the night turns into the dawn,
My heart shut its beat and held its time;
Just as leaves turn red and the grass burns out,
My spirit felt betrayed, almost dead, almost dry.

The cheerful smile that was forced on my face,
Reflected the criteria of my adopted faith;
Nothing made much sense, just like random sex;
I was loosing spirit, loosing heart, loosing faith;

Shadows took my reason over,
Reasons took my heart by chance,
My heart filled my mind with fear,
fear took away my innocent eyes.

Just like that who lost a loved one
Just like a tree that was cut down
Just like eyes who lost their innocence
Just like me, Just like you, we both died.

SDIH (2007)

Everytime I try

Daring to live endless fantasies
Swearing to life loyal faith
Trying to fulfill my dutties
as the master of my dreams

Giving a step through the fog
searching for a precious light
looking for uncovered answers
in the middle of my mind

As a codded foreign language
a direction with no end
Foolish silence of confusion
Lost train station in my brain

I want the liquor from your glory
I need the taste that brings your sense
I wish the tears from their lost story
I long the time that you were there.

SDIH (2003)

Places Objects and Songs

That last time I saw you, listening to this song, you killed my soul
You pulled the gun, and shot. I felt just like frozen water ran through my lungs
That last time I saw you, listening to this song,
You signed your debtClosed my contract and took that shit from life instead

listening to the sound of pain, from something so pure, makes me cry.
Feeling that immense sense of loneliness that you placed on my heart
Frozen, stoned, numb, nothing like before, it is dead now
listening to the sound of pain, from inside my head, my heart

Places that will punish my senses with eternal screams
Objects that will paralize my heart and make my soul freeze
Poems with words that instead of beauty will give me fear
and behind of that is you, and sadly enough, what was left of me

SDIH (2003)

My final words to a story...

It is so hard even to think about these words. As always, I just want them to be perfect…

but thinking about it, why would I want perfection, when that just wouldn’t be me?. This is music that I think defines me and reflects the way I feel.

I decided to include you in this small project, because this year just wouldn’t have been the same without you there.

This is me, there is not much in there, but that is all I am so far. I want to thank you because you taught me some of the most incredible lessons in my life, and well, maybe I should apologize for choosing you as my teacher…But I don’t regret any single thing.

For someone back in 2003.